LOVE (1 of 2)

    What is love?  Is it real, or is it just some myth that people have knitted together to help make life seem bearable?
    If there *is* love, well, then, what kind is there?  Is there such a thing as unconditional love, or is it all based on performance?

    These questions, and more, plague the minds of young people today.  I am not sure if these questions are just somehow innately ingrained in every human born, or are simply brought on by happenings in our world today: but somehow, everyone I know well has questions about love running through their mind constantly, and haunting them at every turn in life.  One of my largest missions in life is helping the people I am close to look at and sort out these questions...  but...  well, I'm no different than the rest of you, no different than my friends, and I have the same questions.

    Lately I have really been struggling with the issue of love - in regards to those closest to me.  I know that there is such a thing as (as close as a human can get to) unconditional love;  I have been blessed with a *very* few number of friends that have bestowed that upon me.  However, most of my other friends, my family, and - the hardest of all - God, seemed to be lacking in the real "love" department.  I mean, yeah, I know my parents love me; they have to!  I'm their daughter, after all.  That's just what parents do.  And I know that pretty much everyone can stand to be around me, but I wondered if there was that true desire - that longing to really truly KNOW me.
    I struggle with self worth, and have a hard time believing that people would actually be able to stand the sight of me if they really knew what all was inside this 5'9" frame of mine.  I don't feel like I'm worth fighting for, even though it's what my heart yearns for most, and so I am happiest when someone who is dear to me sees some of my worst parts, but instead of turning away in disgust, will still love me, and will even more viciously protect and fight for me because they see my weaknesses.

     Most of you who are reading this probably know me, at least a little. You know I've grown up in a Christian home, and perhaps are bewildered by the fact that I would question love - my family's, and even God's.  Honestly though, I was so hurt by the lack of love that I was feeling by either one that I was distancing myself from them, often times even knowingly.  I felt I had to perform a certain way for my family to love me, and therefore felt trapped, and we all know what that leads to - rebellion.  And as for God?  HA.  It wasn't happening.  The God that I grew up thinking I knew...  it wasn't the same one that seemed to be showing it's face now.  I was hurt, I was angry, and I was stubborn.
     How could a God that claimed to be loving let innocent children be torn to bits every day?  If He really is in control of everything, why is there sin and pain in the world?  He supposedly could have stopped it, so why hasn't He??
    Why do some of my loved ones have it sooo easy, and then others are literally having to live through HELL every day?
     As visions of little two-year-old Montey flash before my eyes, I scream in my head, "How could have you let that little boy BURN TO DEATH?  Why did he have to pay for his mother's stupidity?  He was only two!"  my frustration would grow...  and grow....  It - it - it just wasn't fair!
    How could the God Who said that He placed the desires in my heart, seemingly look at them, laugh, and throw them in the fire?  Did he find some humor in watching my attempts at attaining my dreams fail? Personally, I didn't find it funny, and I wasn't anywhere close to laughing.  In fact, I was so upset, that I came to the point of telling God basically that I had no desire to follow or serve a god that would allow bad things to happen to innocent/good people for no reason.  It wasn't fair, and I was not going to surrender my life to a god who seemed to enjoy seeing the "loved ones" suffer.  Screw heaven, if that's who I'd be around.  I'll do things my own way and enjoy the short life I have here!  Better that than spending eternity with a two-faced, lying god.

    And so down I went.  And farther, and farther.  Forget God, forget living up to my rep, forget living up to my family's name, forget it all;  I was winding my arm back to throw in the towel, when it happened. 
    After close to six months after my first monologue  fit, and after a month  of silence after my first challenge, He finally answered me.  After months of feeling guilty of being a hypocrite because I couldn't just give up on everything already, I finally understood.  My feet are on sturdy ground again, and my life has changed for forever.

If any of you have or are struggling with anything that I described, I suggest reading my next post, where I will  be sharing what I learned.  For length's sake, I have been forced to put all of that in my next one, but I hope you will take the time out to read it.  Maybe something in it will speak to you like it did to me - that is my prayer.