Is It Worth the Pain?

    I've been thinking a lot lately, about love; it is a strange, scary, yet beautiful thing, and, like everything worthwile, comes with a price.
    The more you love someone, the more power you give to them; the more deeply they can hurt you; the more painful are their actions against you. Like, if some random person just came up to me and said, "I hate you and you're worth nothing," yeah, I'd be upset, but if one of my best friends or family members came up and said that? I'd be broken. You all know what I mean.

    Because of this, many people wonder if love is worth the pain... I must confess that I've been wondering that same thing. Those who mean the most to me have wounded me in ways I never would have imagined; how could it be safe for me to trust again? It isn't. It never was, and it never will be. Love is, in and of itself, a dangerous thing, because you open yourself up so widely to those around you. Yes, it would be "safer" to never truly love anyone, and to reject anyone who so much as accidentally coughs around you... to give up on humanity, saying that trying just isn't worth the price you pay.
    But you know what? If we did that, *we* would be the ones losing out on life, for what kind of life is a life without love? Love is passion in it's purest form, and without passion... life is nothing. Jesus came to earth and died in the place of sinners, just because of love. Could we do no less, we who are called by His Name?
    Love is not something to fear.... because "perfect love casts out fear." (1 John 4:18) If I am fearful of loving someone, then I do not truly love that person. As hard as that is for me to hear, I take it as a challenge: to love those around me without reserve, and without any fear of being hurt.

    I have been hurt, I am hurting, and I will be hurt again by those that I love. But you know what? That's okay. I want to live with a love that has no fear of being hurt - a  love that is unconditional. For a love that can change lives, pain is but a small price to pay, and I will gladly pay it.

LOVE (2 of 2)

It happened while I was working on my financial study. I was processing my answer to the question I was on, when all of a sudden... the little bunny of thought decided to bound slightly off-track. But, as it did, my heavenly Lover gently showed me the answers I had been yearning for for months. He did it gently, just as any caring Father would... but, best of all, He showed me His heart.

I had really been struggling with God, as you all know after reading Part 1 of this two part blog... I just couldn't see how the loving God I had thought I had known for the last eighteen years was allowing things to happen, things that honestly seemed unjust and cruel. I doubted His actual love and commitment to mankind, including myself, and was wary of Him and everything having to do with Him. Church had lost it's appeal, reading the Bible got put off and put off until I never read it, and praying... ah, that wasn't gonna happen either. I was upset, why would I want to talk to the One who I thought was hurting me?
Through all of this pent-up emotion, He spoke to my heart and guided my thoughts.

I was answering a question about giving - writing down my small revelation that giving is actually making an investment into someone else's life. My thoughts started going back to how giving is actually a gift to the giver as well as the receiver; how one's relationship with God is strengthened by it, how it constantly keeps you in the proper attitude of stewardship and humility, and how it is an act of worship to God.
But God wanted to push that bunny a little further....

So it's a good thing there is such a thing as giving, isn't there?  He asked me gently. 

Well, yeah, sure. It's beneficial to both parties, so it's a good thing I guess.

Who are those to whom you give?

Well... just people with a need, I guess. 

Becky, you asked why I allow suffering - you do not understand how I can be loving, and allow my children to live in hard conditions, or in need. Don't you see? If there was no need, no suffering, there would be no reason for anyone to give to help another. That connection that you are able to have with Me would not exist.
Giving helps both you and the person to whom you are giving. It strengthens your relationship with Me by keeping you humble and strengthening our relationship. The person who receives your gift... their relationship with Me is strengthened because they are looking to Me to be their Provider. They have no alternative to trusting Me with their needs. When I use your gift to provide, you are both drawn into deeper relationship with Me.

But... why did you have to give all this to me?? *looking around room* I really don't need even half of it. Why do I have it so easy? 

It is just one way that I show My love to *you*. 

Oh, and so what is that supposed to mean about all those who are suffering right now???
I show them love my providing for them, and being their strength. I know what each person needs, and I give grace to them in every circumstance. If I knew they couldn't handle what they are dealing with, I would not have allowed it to happen. Right now though, where they are, and what they are suffering from is where they need to be. It is My way of calling out to them again, showing them how much I care - hoping that they will see My provision and finally turn to Me. Without the suffering, when would they ever see that they need Me? I do it all because I love, Becky. 

Take your situations, for example. You wanted so badly to go to school... remember how nothing worked out? You were angry at Me for not working things out, because you thought that you knew what was best. But I foreknew your health problems, I knew you needed to be home this fall. That is why I didn't allow it to work out right away. The desire in your heart is not bad - I put it there! It is just not that time yet... 

My health problems... You... You were trying to reach out to me, weren't you? You want to be my Rock when times get hard. You allowed it to happen, because You knew I couldn't handle it, and because it was another opportunity for me to reach back out to You! That's why you let it happen! You did it because you love me!!..... You..... love.... me. You do it all because you love me, don't you? Me, and everyone else? You use everything to reach out to us, and to show us Your love. You even use the sin and pain in the world, for goodness sakes! 

Yes. I just want you to know Me the way I know you. I created the world just to spend time with you... and that desire has never changed. I still want it, and I know it is what you need. 

 

Everyone, this is unconditional love, the one we all long for deep within.


Our God is good. He is faithful. And He IS sovereign. He is everything He claims to be, even if it does not
make sense at the beginning. He does everything out of love, as He has shown me. He even uses the suffering in this evil world to show us His faithfulness in provision, and the extent of our need for Him. And, best of all, He is standing there with arms wide open, just waiting for us to want Him more. He doesn't mind questions - even if they seem silly to us. He is always faithful to answer them, if you seek answers long enough. He won't let you down.

So, I guess my encouragement to you all today is just... well, if you don't understand something, or have questions.... stop at NOTHING to find the answers. He will answer you. And, most important of all, cling to the Father. There truly is no one like Him - He really is the only one who will never fail. When you are next to Him, you are safe, and are made complete.

Yes, this did just happen.

You've all had mixed nuts, or a trail mix before, right? You know how hard it is to not pick your favorites out and just eat those? (Which actually doesn't make sense, because then we never want to eat what's left... wow. that's kind of stupid.) But anyways, I was doing that. I was sitting here, working on my computer and eating some mixed nuts, and I wanted another cashew. So, what do I do?  I give the container a little shake, to try move the almonds out of the way.... and... instead of moving out of the way... BAM!  They suddenly grew wings and flew out of the container. Come to find out, almonds are opposed to favoritism, and are easily offended. So I now have a lap-full of salt and mixed nuts, and probably a few of them are going to bury into my bed to surprise me later. Talk about assault and battery.

Moral of the story:   Solomon was right. "To show partiality is not good..." Proverbs 28:21 a

So, next time you're tempted to eat all the M&M's out of the trail mix... just remember that.

"It's so fluffy, I'M GONNA DIE!!!"

Just pullin' this over from FB (:



Those of you who know the the movie that line comes from, well done; you now have my blessing, and are therefore even MORE officially awesome than you were before you started reading this.   Mmhmm, I know - you're welcome (:

But, really, Despicable Me is an amazing movie, all the way down to the kitten book and the music that gets stuck in your head.  Me though?   I love the unicorn parts.  Partly because unicorns are just a sexier version of horses; partly because they are adorable, not-important segments of the movie that most people forget and therefore make them more charming; mostly because the little girl named Agnes reminds me so much of myself.   Packaged up into that little ball of high-voiced animation, are so many parts of me - of my past, and, yes, even my present.

Unicorns were never really an "in" thing when I was younger, but horses.... OH BOY, HORSES!  Now that was my thing.  I had horse everything.... horse quilt, horse pictures, horse books, horse toys, real horse tack, you name it.
One sucky thing about getting older though, is that it is expected of you to lose that little-kid excitement and all-consuming infatuation that grips you when you are young.  So, like "normal" kids, my passion for equines faded to the point of hardly being mentioned.  Or, so people thought.

"Thought."  That is the key word.  In some ways, yes, the all-consuming part of my love for horses has ebbed away, but the parts of me that used to love horses so much are still there.   No one knows that I still own all that horse tack... tried to get rid of some of it, but somehow end up not being able to do it "this time 'round," and put it away; or that when I go through my things and come across that box, I lovingly take out each piece and spend a moment in dream-land, or take a stroll down memory lane.
And, HO BOY. The 21st century is perfect for anyone in my situation, because unicorns are cooooool!!! I mean, think about all the amazing ways that unicorns have blessed our society!  Art, movies, toys, tattoos, stuffed animals, PILLOWS, youtube videos ("Come to Candy Mountain, Charlie..."  Best. EVER.), everything! Just re-direct your love, and you'll still be in! haha!

So... let's just say that that little girl inside of me didn't ever fade away... I simply have a kosher way of revealing it now ;)    (*singing*  "Unicorns, I love them; unicorns, I love them. Uni-uni-unicorns, I looooooove them." )

*worried expression*

Have you ever been in that place of dread, when you "think" that the person closest to you is so pissed at you that they don't want to talk to you? Yeah, sucky spot, huh? That's where I am right now. Why do we as humans have to make mistakes and hurt those we love the most? Sometimes I hate how dangerously human I can be. :(

LOVE (1 of 2)

    What is love?  Is it real, or is it just some myth that people have knitted together to help make life seem bearable?
    If there *is* love, well, then, what kind is there?  Is there such a thing as unconditional love, or is it all based on performance?

    These questions, and more, plague the minds of young people today.  I am not sure if these questions are just somehow innately ingrained in every human born, or are simply brought on by happenings in our world today: but somehow, everyone I know well has questions about love running through their mind constantly, and haunting them at every turn in life.  One of my largest missions in life is helping the people I am close to look at and sort out these questions...  but...  well, I'm no different than the rest of you, no different than my friends, and I have the same questions.

    Lately I have really been struggling with the issue of love - in regards to those closest to me.  I know that there is such a thing as (as close as a human can get to) unconditional love;  I have been blessed with a *very* few number of friends that have bestowed that upon me.  However, most of my other friends, my family, and - the hardest of all - God, seemed to be lacking in the real "love" department.  I mean, yeah, I know my parents love me; they have to!  I'm their daughter, after all.  That's just what parents do.  And I know that pretty much everyone can stand to be around me, but I wondered if there was that true desire - that longing to really truly KNOW me.
    I struggle with self worth, and have a hard time believing that people would actually be able to stand the sight of me if they really knew what all was inside this 5'9" frame of mine.  I don't feel like I'm worth fighting for, even though it's what my heart yearns for most, and so I am happiest when someone who is dear to me sees some of my worst parts, but instead of turning away in disgust, will still love me, and will even more viciously protect and fight for me because they see my weaknesses.

     Most of you who are reading this probably know me, at least a little. You know I've grown up in a Christian home, and perhaps are bewildered by the fact that I would question love - my family's, and even God's.  Honestly though, I was so hurt by the lack of love that I was feeling by either one that I was distancing myself from them, often times even knowingly.  I felt I had to perform a certain way for my family to love me, and therefore felt trapped, and we all know what that leads to - rebellion.  And as for God?  HA.  It wasn't happening.  The God that I grew up thinking I knew...  it wasn't the same one that seemed to be showing it's face now.  I was hurt, I was angry, and I was stubborn.
     How could a God that claimed to be loving let innocent children be torn to bits every day?  If He really is in control of everything, why is there sin and pain in the world?  He supposedly could have stopped it, so why hasn't He??
    Why do some of my loved ones have it sooo easy, and then others are literally having to live through HELL every day?
     As visions of little two-year-old Montey flash before my eyes, I scream in my head, "How could have you let that little boy BURN TO DEATH?  Why did he have to pay for his mother's stupidity?  He was only two!"  my frustration would grow...  and grow....  It - it - it just wasn't fair!
    How could the God Who said that He placed the desires in my heart, seemingly look at them, laugh, and throw them in the fire?  Did he find some humor in watching my attempts at attaining my dreams fail? Personally, I didn't find it funny, and I wasn't anywhere close to laughing.  In fact, I was so upset, that I came to the point of telling God basically that I had no desire to follow or serve a god that would allow bad things to happen to innocent/good people for no reason.  It wasn't fair, and I was not going to surrender my life to a god who seemed to enjoy seeing the "loved ones" suffer.  Screw heaven, if that's who I'd be around.  I'll do things my own way and enjoy the short life I have here!  Better that than spending eternity with a two-faced, lying god.

    And so down I went.  And farther, and farther.  Forget God, forget living up to my rep, forget living up to my family's name, forget it all;  I was winding my arm back to throw in the towel, when it happened. 
    After close to six months after my first monologue  fit, and after a month  of silence after my first challenge, He finally answered me.  After months of feeling guilty of being a hypocrite because I couldn't just give up on everything already, I finally understood.  My feet are on sturdy ground again, and my life has changed for forever.

If any of you have or are struggling with anything that I described, I suggest reading my next post, where I will  be sharing what I learned.  For length's sake, I have been forced to put all of that in my next one, but I hope you will take the time out to read it.  Maybe something in it will speak to you like it did to me - that is my prayer.

APRIL FOOLS!!

So I was just thinking. Today is April first.... and you ALL know what that means! April Fool's day!! But I wonder - what is the real purpose of this day? I mean, why do we have a nationally (possibly even universally, I don't know) recognized day of the year that is dedicated... well... to pulling pranks and lying?? I mean, don't get me wrong, I personally think some of the jokes pulled off on this day are hilariously funny, and I don't really think there's anything wrong with them as long as they aren't inappropriate. But still, what's the reason behind it? And for that matter, how did it ever get started? My guess is that there was some twelve-year-old boy who was frustrated with always getting yelled at by his mother for pulling some trick, and decided to make an excuse for himself!  Seriously though, if anyone knows, I'd be interested in hearing why it really started. ;)

Those are my thoughts for the night - now I'm going to bed. Goodnight world!